Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Six Reasons My Husband is Not My Best Friend

Act #225:  It's OK to nurture your female friendships, even when you're married.  Trust me, you'll need them when 50% of you get divorced.  That was so wrong.

So I've been married for about 7 years and there are few things I value more than the partnership that I share with my husband, and the rich and colorful life we've built around that partnership.  Yes, we still hold hands and stay up talking till wee hours of the night.  We support each other.  He has my back.  And yes, we still dare to dream of a life and world full of possibilities.  But we also bicker weekly over who's responsible for the growing pile of unopened mail on the dining room table.

I love this man with every fiber of my being, and I'm probably not going to be the most popular person when I declare this publicly - but I don't consider my husband my best friend.  Here's why.

1.  Because I don't like sleeping with my best friends.  You know, it complicates the relationship.  Friends are so.....well, platonic.  I sometimes look at him with impure thoughts, especially when he's working a power tool.

2.  Because if he held that title, who on earth would I go vent to when, say.....a pile of unopened mail takes over the dining room table?

3.  Because I lived 33 of my 40 years of life without him, and I'd say that during that time I developed some pretty significant and close relationships with my friends who have SO earned the "best" title.  Listen, you've got to hold someone's hair back or pick them up from a squad car at 4 in the morning before earning that title.

4.  Because quite honestly, sometimes I need a break from my husband.......in order to hang out with my girlfriends.  And I know that he needs one from me too.  It's OK for us not to spend every waking moment together, and to still pursue personal interests and hobbies that feed our souls in different ways.  We even have one night each week designated just for that - guilt-free, kid-free, uninterrupted, no questions-asked days set aside every week, for us to do whatever we fancy........without our spouses.

5.  Because while my best friends know everything there is to know about me, my husband doesn't.  I'm talking details about past relationships, poor choices that I'm too embarrassed to repeat out loud even to myself (but that my friends witnessed first hand), and how I really feel about his cool orange shirt.  

6.  Because it's too much pressure, too much responsibility for us to place that level of expectation in ONE sole human being.  I like to spread out the roles, the love, the number of people I can call on when I hate the world.

So does this mean that I'm somehow less committed to my husband?  That I don't enjoy his company?  Absolutely not.  It just means that I value him as a life partner, a lover, a companion.  But when I have a crappy day, my jeans won't button, and forget to pack my kid's lunch, sometimes I'd rather just go over to my girlfriend's back deck and nurse a glass of Malbec.   At the end of the day, I always rest assured knowing that my husband is waiting for me at home.....with or without his tool belt - and I love him just the same.


  1. A-men! Even though I know having a husband as a best friend who is your all-in-one package for everything works for some women, I'm definitely in the camp of "need girlfriends to talk and laugh and do things with."

    Maybe because I remember how much they helped when I became part of that 50% you mentioned...maybe because I then spent five years living independently before meeting my current partner...but definitely because that's just how I'm wired. =)

    1. Lee, is it just me, or should we have hung out more while at Berea?

  2. Agreed! I'm so sick of the 'I married my best friend' idea. Calling my husband my best friend would be a demotion. I don't plan my life with my best friend's goals in mind. I don't plan to raise children with my best friend. And yes, friendship is just too platonic.