Friday, July 19, 2013

9 Tips on Dating Feminists

Act # 200:  If you haven't dated one before, try it.  You'll be hooked.

So she insists on paying for her own meals, opens her own doors, and probably makes more money than you do.  Your masculinity can handle that just fine.  You've even learned to use gender neutral-language since you've met her.  If you've fallen (or about to fall) for a feminist, and think you might be in it for the long haul, here are a few tips to help your relationship flourish.   

1.  If this is how you imagined the perfect date:  Gazing into each other's eyes over a candlelit dinner, while an attentive server refills your glass of Malbec.  You wouldn't be too far off.  Just make sure the wine is fair trade wine.  And that the server makes a livable wage (with employer-paid health care).  And when you're done with the gazing, be prepared to ponder the social injustices of the world with her over that candlelit dinner.  And at the end of the  night, try not to get embarrassed when she offers to call a random intoxicated female a cab.

2.  Some words to avoid when describing her, or any woman actually:  irrational, bitchy, emotional, PMS-ing.  If you are wondering why obvious words like doll face, baby mama, and hot stuff are not on this list, walk away now, you aren't going to make it with this one.  Those who aspire to date feminists shouldn't even have these words stored away in any part of their brain.  Ever.  She'll know.

3.  When deciding on pizza toppings and you tell her it's her choice, just sit back and let her have the next 3 minutes to tell you, damn right, it's her choice, as she launches into a passionate argument about the reproductive rights of women.  Then gently explain to her that you were talking about pizza toppings.  

4.  Eventually, you're gonna have to learn to stop cringing every time she uses the word vagina.

5.  When considering gifts of affection, refrain from kitchenware, household products, or items from any store that contains the words "Secret", "Adult", "Hollywood", or "Exotic".  Consider these gifts instead:  a book that she heard about on NPR, "experience" gift like tickets to a concert or a lecture, or any other item that reflects that you have actually been hearing her and focusing on something other than her rack throughout your time together.  

6.  I bet you thought you couldn't tell her that she was beautiful or sexy?  Afraid she might slap you in the face and be offended?  You would be wrong.  You just have to do it in the right manner.  Here are a few guidelines:  1.)  Mean it when you compliment her;  2.) Don't just do it when she's all made up... or when she's naked;  3.)  Tell her (only if you mean it of course) as her body, style, self-expression, and the occasion changes and evolves.  

7.  Really falling for her and want to show her just how much?  Before you run off to Zales to buy the Forever pendent, do this instead. Research all the female candidates in your next local and federal elections.  Tell her exactly why you are considering voting for one.  Move over oysters on the half shell, there's a new aphrodisiac in town.  It's called gender equality and it is way tastier.

8.  Never, ever, EVER utter these words, "What's for dinner?"

9.  On a positive note, you can leave the toilet seat up without judgment, because yes, even the bathroom is an environment free of gender oppression.

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